"During zazen, when you become aware of thoughts, return ever so gently to the breath."

The key words for me in the above teaching are “ever so gently”. I have the tendency to rip my attention away from what has distracted me back to my breath. This is rooted in my strict Catholic upbringing, having priest after priest scold me and tell me to immediately dispel any greedy or lustful thoughts about stealing or lookin' at girls by saying a ‘Hail Mary’ or ‘Our Father’.

I learned at a very early age to be very hard on myself. The external scolding by authority figures at home, at parochial school and at Church was immediately internalized as a coping mechanism for all of those sinful thoughts and actions that displeased God and would thwart the ultimate goal of getting into heaven.

Now, in my ‘older age’ (35), I am beginning to learn how important it is to be kinder and gentler towards myself. If I don’t, who will? I am learning that I need to be my best ally. I need to be my best ally because I can be and there is no guarantee that anyone else will be. Not my wife, not my bother, not my sisters, not my mother. They may be at times, but it isn’t always going to be so.

May we all learn
just one simple way
to be gentle with ourselves today.